A crisp, sunny autumn New York Day turned into the worst day 23 years ago.
I won’t hide that I was there however I rarely talk about it. Creating a masterclass about Letting Go of the Past has encouraged me to speak more today.
Over the years, I’ve been surrounded by:
People saw me as a novelty and fascination and want every detail (which I didn’t provide)
People who were clearly uncomfortable and want to mention it infront of me
People who expressed their own views and conspiracy theories
People who were compassionate and supportive
9/11 helped me learn a lot about my brain and it’s ability:
To bend time and change the order of events
To change memory of what was said or done.
To minimise some things I witnessed or gave an almost dreamlike not quite clear memory of it
To protect me in a moment of danger (fight, flight, freeze)
To dissassociate or shut down senses and panic
To remember what was needed to be remembered and not holding on to what didn’t.
To recover and let go of painful images (this takes TIME)
To work with the body and move to where it needed to move for safety
To support others in need even when I was also looking for safety or allowing myself to seek support from others.
To forgive the ‘what if’ thoughts
To just know what it needs when I was willing to surrender to it.
I lived with PTSD for a long time- The Body Keeps the Score really is true:
🔻 Certain noises like trucks driving over manholes would make me jump
🔻 The sound of airplanes overhead would bring a wave of fear
🔻 High sensitivity to noise and overstimulation would lead me to shut down/dissasociate
🔻 Flashbacks haunted me during the day and night
🔻 Certain movie scenes were impossible for me to watch (Titanic was a no go for a long time due to people falling from the boat)
🔻 Being on a plane led to hyper vigilance - reacting (in silence) to anyone’s inexplicable behaviours.
I developed lung damage as I continued to live down there. So many unknowns around this has led to a long road around my mental and physical health about this.
There are many things that I’ve learned that:
I fight for my safety
I have a deep need to be a part of the healing whether thas handing out supplies to the emergency workers, giving blood or just letting people talk
I do NEED to let people in
Support from a professional is normal, ok and necessary
Isolating myself makes things worse
Giving yourself time is important
Being atuned to your body as well as your mind is essential
Allowing and giving yourself permission to say you’re not ok important
Boundaries!
Vulnerability is NOT a weakness
You are NOT alone
There are parts of that day, I’ll never talk about, for my sake and for others.
Time has allowed for it to be a part of my history and learnings.
I ❤️ NYC
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